Nadia Bolz-Weber: The devestation of our first heartbreak is inextricably linked to all of the worthiness we attached to being the object of another's love and attention.
Also: I think that in my heart of hearts I have always believed that I am only worthy of love if I am perfect. Grades (my parents), physical appearance (romantic interests), performance (career), selflessness (friends).
I'm going to try to examine this belief in real time and see where it takes me:
Obviously I'm not perfect. The belief that I am worthy of love if I am perfect is a dangerous belief, because it can create a lack of authenticity in my relationships with others.
Authenticity is really important to me, so perhaps my adult journey can be described as a an attempt to share my imperfections and connect more deeply.
I think, perhaps, I've conflated my imperfections with my uncontrollable desires and hungers. My desire to eat. My desire to rest. My desire for passion. My desire to express anger and sadness.
Desire is about choice: Choosing ... is "cutting something out in order to grow seomething else." Priya Parker
Perfection is very passive. Choice is very active. Choice is destructive before it is constructive, and that's ok.
Intellectually, and as a practical matter in the way I feel about those I love, I know that perfection does not equal worthiness. But truly believing it will probably be a lifelong process. I've gotten better through my eating disorder recovery and my deep, beautiful friendships. But romantic relationships and interfamily relationships are much, much harder.
I am worthy of my parents' love even if I occasionally go against their wishes and criticize them. This does not mean they have the capacity to love me in the way I need to be loved, but those are two separate things.
I am worthy of romantic love and desire even if my body changes. Spoiler alert: it changes a lot during life. I am worthy of kindness and support and help in a relationship even if I voice my disappointment or difference of opinion or even if I'm not polite all the time.
I am worthy of my children even if I lose my patience.
I am worthy of my job even if I don't produce extraordinary outcomes.
*Priya Parker and Nadia Bolz-Weber were both interviewed on We Can Do Hard Things.
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