Not a day goes by when I'm not winging it. It makes life interesting, but it's also draining. How to be a good friend, a good partner, a good parent, a good citizen. And is there a difference between "good" and "true"? If I were to create a pie chart of my life and its various roles, what would take up the most space? What about a separate pie chart of what I need or envision in a perfect world?
I just sketched out the Existing Roles chart. "Mother" takes up 70%, "Friend," "Self" and "Spouse" each take up 9%, and 3% is Community. Rough approximations, but probably fairly accurate.
I don't think that Mothering will be a 70% role forever. As much as I love it, I hope it won't. But I know it's my number one obligation right now, and I want it to be. It feels right, and I think it's what B and C need, particularly C, and it's something I'm able to do. As a little girl, dreaming of being a mom (which I did), I thought there would be more overlap in the roles, more cross-pollination and fulfillment spilling from one category to the other. I am working on that, and I think it's getting better, but it's far from perfect.
Regardless, that's not a lot of space for the other vital roles I play and have signed up for willingly. It feels crowded, and some of those other roles need more room. Sometimes I feel resentful, and I don't feel I'm getting my needs met. The really tricky part is I don't have a model for what to do or how to solve these problems. So, in addition to talking with friends, I've reached out to a number of therapists to see if anyone is taking on new patients. I called or emailed close to ten folks last week, and today, miracle of miracles, I got a call back! Someone might be able to see me for individual therapy next month!!! And she sounds kind and easy to talk to, and she knew my former therapist, or at least knew of her and held her in high esteem.
The other great news is I also heard back from a potential therapist for my daughter. I had been seeking someone more local and possibly covered by insurance, and today the art therapist I messaged texted me about setting up a consult. What a relief. No word back regarding a counselor for C, but we're on the waitlist.
Finally, and hopefully therapy will help with this, is how do I define each role: what does or should go into it, what can or should I get out of it, and when is it ok to decide I need to change things up? Obviously the Mothering Role is necessarily a giving one right now, as it should be, and that in itself gives me a lot of joy and fulfillment even if it's also frickin draining. But I feel like the other roles have more room for interpretation or exploration.
TBD.
Comments