Objectively speaking, I shouldn't feel so happy right now. Last week, during a particularly raw and honest session with my psychiatrist, I told her I didn't like my current medication and wanted to try something new. Her response, paraphrased: "Girl, you're in crisis right now. Imma prescribe you a sedative to take as-needed in addition to your current meds." Bitch, please, I'm not in crisis. Oh wait. Am I? Meh.... Maybe? Shit.
I'm listening to Wilson Phillips' "Hold On."
The way I have learned to navigate life, to trust myself, to listen to my body, to make decisions that feel right deep in my bones, is to do the following:
Listen to my anxiety which always manifests itself physically
Write
Talk with my closest friends
Cry
Write
Exercise
Listen to music
Read
Write
Seek the advice of a professional in whatever realm I'm currently drowning
Talk with friends
Process it all, break it all down, absorb it, reconfigure it inside my heart
Trust my gut and act
The process can take years or months.
Last Friday, after I spoke with my doctor, I went skinny dipping. All by myself, with the sun and the papery quaking aspen and the dragonflies. I felt free and I felt right in my physical body and I felt like I belonged there in the pond with the rest of the natural world. I only swam for about 15 minutes, the water golden and layered, but I took away a very real peace.
I've been paper journaling and processing a lot. I've felt full-body panic. I've worried and cried. But I'm beginning to feel more at peace even though I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. That makes me believe that I'm on the right path.
When I'm happy inside, I pick flowers, photograph bugs, drink wine (in moderation), sing, run, and go clothes shopping. I am expansive. Today I drove to TJ Maxx and totally indulged myself. I chatted with my younger brother in the parking lot and then bought three new sweaters and a pair of corduroys because, let's be honest, my old pairs from LandsEnd are a little snug. And then I bought a mocha and Alice got a pup cup and I felt so happy. Normally when things are unsettled I am insecure, but for some reason that's not the case at the moment. More evidence, to me, that I'm on the right path. I'm bursting, actually. I feel so full of possibility. I'm trying not to examine it too closely or to rationalize it or to think of possible future negative consequences. I'm going to take it and run (probably literally - it's perfect running weather outside).
Take that, midlife crisis!
Comments